Overview

Lesson Procedure

65-65 minutes of class time across 5 phases.

1. Warm-Up10 minutes
2. Direct Instruction20 minutes
3. Guided Practice15 minutes
4. Independent Practice15 minutes
5. Closure5 minutes

1. Warm-Up10 minutes

   Warm-Up Prompt

   "Think of a time someone read something you wrote, such as a message, a paper or a caption, and noticed a problem you had missed. What did that reader see that you could not, and why?"

   Take two or three answers. Point out that the reader usually saw the problem because they came to the writing without knowing what the writer meant. That outside view is what feedback gives a writer, and it is the starting point of W.9-10.5.

   Then introduce the situation the lesson follows. Daniel Reyes, a ninth grader, is applying for a paid junior counselor job at Linden Park Day Camp. Daniel, his family, his classmates, his teacher, the camp and its staff are invented for this lesson. The application's Question 3 reads: "Tell us about a time you helped a younger child learn something. What did you learn about working with children? (250 words or fewer)" The camp director, Ms. Farrah Whitlock, reads every application herself and decides whom to hire.

   Read Daniel's first draft aloud. Students write one sentence: after reading only this draft, what would Ms. Whitlock know about Daniel?

   1Ever since I was little, I have always loved kids. People say I am patient, responsible, and I work hard. I think these qualities would make me a great junior counselor at Linden Park Day Camp.

   2I have a lot of experience with kids. I have two younger cousins, and I sometimes babysit for my neighbor. I also went to Linden Park Day Camp myself when I was eight, it was one of the best summers of my life. My counselor was named Marcus and he was really fun, he taught us a lot of games.

   3Working with kids is important because they are the future. Kids need good role models. I would be a good role model because I am patient and responsible and I always try my best.

   4One time last summer I taught my cousin Leo how to swim. He was six and he was scared of the water, so it took a long time. At first he would not even put his face in the water. I learned that you have to be patient with kids. By August he could swim across the shallow end by himself.

   5In conclusion, I would love to be a junior counselor because I love kids and I want to give back to the camp that gave me so much.

2. Direct Instruction20 minutes

   Use Diagram 1 to explain the standard. W.9-10.5 names five ways to strengthen a piece: planning, revising, editing, rewriting and trying a new approach. They are a menu, not a checklist: the standard says "as needed," so a writer uses the ones a draft calls for. The second half of the standard steers every choice: the writer focuses on what is most significant for a specific purpose and audience.

   Draw a clear line between two kinds of work. Revising and rewriting change what the writing says and how it is built: its content, its order, its emphasis or its whole approach. Editing changes how the sentences follow the conventions of standard English. In the full Common Core document, W.9-10.5 ends with a note that editing for conventions should show command of Language standards 1-3 up to grades 9-10. In this lesson, that means comma splices, semicolons (L.9-10.2a), colons (L.9-10.2b) and parallel structure (L.9-10.1a).

   Read Text 2, the transcript of Daniel's writing group. The group follows three steps: one thing that works, one thing the reader most needs, and one question. After reading, show the revision plan Daniel wrote from the group's comments.

   1Mr. Hale: Daniel has read his draft aloud twice. Use our three steps: one thing that works, one thing the reader most needs, and one question. Keep the reader in mind. Who is she?

   2Aisha: The camp director. She's deciding who to hire.

   3Mr. Hale: Right. Go ahead.

   4Aisha: What works for me is Leo and the swimming. When you said he wouldn't put his face in the water, I could picture it. It's the only place in the draft where I actually see you with a kid.

   5Tomás: Same. But it's in the fourth paragraph. The director is reading a whole stack of these. If she stops after the first paragraph, all she knows is that you say you're patient.

   6Daniel: So I should move it to the top?

   7Tomás: Move it up, and make it longer. You wrote that it took a long time, but you never say what you did. How did you get him to put his face in?

   8Daniel: I made it a game. We took turns blowing bubbles, and he tried to beat my count.

   9Aisha: That's what you should write! That shows you're patient. Right now you just say the word, and you say it twice.

   10Mr. Hale: Here's my question, Daniel. What does a camp director worry about when she hires a fifteen-year-old?

   11Daniel: That the counselor won't show up? Or that he won't know what to do when a camper gets scared or upset.

   12Mr. Hale: Which part of your draft answers that worry?

   13Daniel: The Leo part, I guess. The part about being a camper myself is mostly about me.

   14Aisha: I liked Marcus, though. Maybe keep one sentence about him, near the end?

   15Daniel: Okay. I'll start with Leo, show what I actually did, and cut the paragraph about kids being the future.

   Daniel's revision plan, written after the writing group

   Step	Daniel's decision
   What Ms. Whitlock most needs	Evidence that I can help a scared or upset camper
   Keep	Leo and the swimming lessons
   Add	What I actually did with Leo, and what I learned from it
   Move	The Leo story from paragraph 4 to the opening
   Cut	The paragraph about kids being the future; the repeated list of traits
   Shrink	Marcus and my own summer at camp, to a short ending
   Leave for later	Commas and the word count, once the content is right

   Daniel wrote Draft 2 from this plan. Read it aloud, then work through the five examples. Each one shows a single decision and the reason for it.

   1The first time I took my cousin Leo to the city pool, he stood on the top step for forty minutes and would not let go of the rail. He was six, and he was sure the water would go up his nose.

   2I did not push him. Instead, I turned the scary part into a game. We took turns blowing bubbles with our faces in the water while the other person counted, and Leo tried to beat my number. On the first day his record was two seconds, by Friday it was fifteen. After that we moved on to floating on his back, then to kicking while he held the edge of the pool. By August, he could swim across the shallow end by himself, and he made me watch him do it eleven times in a row.

   3Teaching Leo showed me that a scared child does not need to be told to be brave. He needs a small step he can win and someone who notices when he wins it. I also learned that some days you lose ground, when Leo had a bad day, we went back to bubbles without making a big deal about it.

   4I know how much a good counselor can mean to a camper, because I was one at Linden Park when I was eight. My counselor, Marcus, made every kid feel like part of the group, even the shy ones like me. This summer I would like to do the same for my campers, whether they are learning to swim, to share, or trying something new.

   • Planning: rereading the task

     Question 3 asks two things: a time Daniel helped a younger child learn something, and what he learned about working with children. Draft 1 reaches the first part only in paragraph 4, and it answers the second part in one sentence: "I learned that you have to be patient with kids."

     Result: Daniel's plan gives each part of the question real space: the story first (Draft 2, paragraphs 1-2), then what he learned (paragraph 3). Rereading the task is planning, even when a draft already exists.

   • Revising: putting the most significant material first

     In Draft 1 the reader meets Daniel through a claim, "Ever since I was little, I have always loved kids," and meets Leo only in paragraph 4.

     Result: Draft 2 opens at the pool: "he stood on the top step for forty minutes and would not let go of the rail." The answer now begins with the evidence the director is hiring for: Daniel with a frightened child.

   • Rewriting: replacing a claim with actions

     Draft 1: "People say I am patient, responsible, and I work hard."

     Result: Draft 2 never uses the word "patient." It shows patience instead: "I did not push him. Instead, I turned the scary part into a game." The reader can judge an action, while a claim only asks to be believed.

   • Revising: developing the second half of the question

     Draft 1: "I learned that you have to be patient with kids." Draft 2, paragraph 3: "Teaching Leo showed me that a scared child does not need to be told to be brave. He needs a small step he can win and someone who notices when he wins it."

     Result: The new lesson is specific enough that a director can picture Daniel using it with a camper. It is also Daniel's own; almost any applicant could have written the Draft 1 sentence.

   • Editing: a comma splice (Language standards 1-2)

     Draft 2, paragraph 3: "I also learned that some days you lose ground, when Leo had a bad day, we went back to bubbles without making a big deal about it."

     Result: Two complete sentences are joined by a comma alone. Daniel's fix: "I also learned that some days you lose ground. When Leo had a bad day, we went back to bubbles without making a big deal of it." A period, a semicolon, or a comma with "and," "but" or "so" can join two independent clauses; a comma alone cannot.

3. Guided Practice15 minutes

   Daniel and his classmate Aisha held an editing conference on Draft 2, with a checklist of Language rules. Pairs read Text 4, then Text 5, the version Daniel submitted. Then they complete the draft tracker below. Use Diagram 2 to check the first column: it maps every paragraph of Draft 2 back to where it came from in Draft 1.

   1Aisha: Before commas, the limit. The application says 250 words or fewer, and I counted 264.

   2Daniel: So about fifteen words have to go. Not the eleven times, though. That's the part where you can tell he's proud of himself.

   3Aisha: Agreed. What about "with our faces in the water"? You could just say "blowing bubbles underwater."

   4Daniel: Good, that saves five. And "on his back" after floating. The director doesn't need to know which way he floated.

   5Aisha: "Of the pool" can go too. She already knows you're at a pool.

   6Daniel: I'll find a few more small ones on my own. Now the checklist?

   7Aisha: Paragraph 2: "On the first day his record was two seconds, by Friday it was fifteen." Those are two complete sentences with only a comma between them.

   8Daniel: A comma splice. I could put a period after "seconds."

   9Aisha: Or a semicolon, because the two halves are so closely connected. Either one is correct.

   10Daniel: Semicolon. It makes the jump from two to fifteen feel fast.

   11Aisha: Your last sentence: "to swim, to share, or trying something new." Two of those start with "to," and one doesn't.

   12Daniel: So "to swim, to share, or to try something new." Now all three match.

   13Mr. Hale: Nice work, both of you. Before you submit, read the whole draft once more from the top, the way Ms. Whitlock will, and check that every sentence still answers her question.

   1The first time I took my cousin Leo to the pool, he stood on the top step for forty minutes and would not let go of the rail. He was six and sure the water would go up his nose.

   2I did not push him. Instead, I turned the scary part into a game. We took turns blowing bubbles underwater while the other person counted, and Leo tried to beat my number. On the first day his record was two seconds; by Friday it was fifteen. After that we moved on to floating, then to kicking while he held the edge. By August, he could swim across the shallow end by himself, and he made me watch him do it eleven times.

   3Teaching Leo showed me that a scared child does not need to be told to be brave. He needs a small step he can win and someone who notices when he wins it. I also learned that some days you lose ground. When Leo had a bad day, we went back to bubbles without making a big deal of it.

   4I know how much a good counselor can mean to a camper, because I was one at Linden Park when I was eight. My counselor, Marcus, made every kid feel like part of the group, even the shy ones like me. This summer I would like to do the same for my campers, whether they are learning to swim, to share, or to try something new.

   Draft tracker (pairs fill in the blank cells)

   Question	Draft 1 to Draft 2	Draft 2 to Draft 3
   What kind of work was it (planning, revising, rewriting, editing)?
   Who prompted it (a reader, the teacher, the writer)?
   One change, quoted before and after
   Why the change matters to Ms. Whitlock
   Word count	219 to 264	264 to 248

   Discuss as a class: Aisha and Daniel talk about content cuts and about commas in the same conference. Which of their cuts were really about the reader, and which were only about the limit?

4. Independent Practice15 minutes

   Students apply the process to a draft of their own from a current assignment in any class. (1) Plan: write three lines naming the reader, the purpose and the one thing that reader most needs. (2) Feedback: trade with a partner for four minutes and use the three steps from Text 2. (3) Change: make one revision (move, add, cut or replace content) and one edit, and label them R and E in the margin. (4) Explain: write two sentences on why the revision serves the reader.

   A student without a current draft writes a 100-word paragraph first, on a topic of their choice, for a named reader. The quiz uses Texts 1-5 (Warm-Up, Direct Instruction and Guided Practice); point students back to those phases when they take it.

5. Closure5 minutes

   Exit ticket: (1) Name one change Daniel made that was revising and one that was editing, and say which one did more for Ms. Whitlock. (2) Write the one thing the reader of your own draft most needs. Then hand out the homework texts below: Jada's first draft of an introduction for a guest speaker at a school assembly (Text 6), and her planning group's comments (Text 7). Jada, her planning group, the speaker and the school are invented for this lesson.

   1Good morning, everyone. Today we have a guest speaker. His name is Luis Ferreira. He was born in 1961 in Fresno, California, and his family moved to Westbrook when he was ten. He went to Westbrook High School, just like us, he graduated in 1979.

   2After high school he worked at his uncle's hardware store for three years. Then he joined the Westbrook Fire Department in 1982. He worked there for 26 years and retired as a captain in 2008. He has received many awards. Since he retired, he has trained more than 300 new firefighters, and he teaches free CPR classes at the community center.

   3He is married and has three children and four grandchildren. He likes fishing, gardening, and to cook for his family. Today he is going to talk about what to do in the first two minutes of a house fire. I think you will find it very interesting and informative. Please give him a warm welcome.

   1Ms. Duarte: Remember the job of an introduction: tell the audience why this person is worth hearing, and then get out of the way. You'll have about one minute at the microphone, so aim for 130 words or fewer.

   2Kenji: The dates were hard to follow when you read them out loud. By the third year, I stopped keeping track. Nobody in the gym can go back and reread a sentence.

   3Rosa: I didn't hear that he trained 300 firefighters until almost the end. That's the most impressive thing about him, and it's buried in the middle.

   4Kenji: I'd cut the fishing and gardening. It's nice, but it has nothing to do with his talk.

   5Rosa: I disagree a little. One personal detail makes him sound like a real person and not a résumé. Maybe keep the grandchildren?

   6Jada: What if I start by asking what you would do if your smoke alarm went off at three in the morning? That's what his whole talk is about.

Differentiation Strategies

Assessment Guidance

1. Question 1 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   In Text 2, why does Tomás want the Leo story moved to the top of the draft?

   AHe thinks a story should come first in every kind of writing, whatever the reader. BThe director reads many applications and may judge Daniel by the first paragraph. CHe wants Daniel to cut the other paragraphs to get under the 250-word limit. DHe thinks the story is too short to notice unless it sits at the very top.

2. Question 2 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   What does Mr. Hale's question in Text 2, paragraph 10, lead Daniel to do?

   AChoose a more formal style for the whole application BAdd more of his own memories of being a camper CJudge each part of his draft by the director's worry DCheck the whole draft for mistakes in commas and spelling

3. Question 3 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   Draft 2 keeps nothing from paragraph 3 of Draft 1, which begins "Working with kids is important because they are the future." Which reason for the cut best fits Daniel's purpose and audience?

   AThe paragraph is too short to stand alone, so it had to be joined to another one. BThe paragraph contains a comma splice that would have been too hard to fix. CA camp director would probably disagree with the idea that children are the future. DIts general claims about kids give the director no evidence about Daniel himself.

4. Question 4 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   Draft 2, paragraph 2, says: "On the first day his record was two seconds, by Friday it was fifteen." What does this detail add for Ms. Whitlock?

   AEvidence that Daniel's method worked, with progress he tracked BProof that Leo was already a confident swimmer before the lessons CA reason for Daniel to mention the camp's own swim program DA model sentence that needs no editing before Daniel submits

5. Question 5 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   In Text 2, paragraph 8, Daniel answers Tomás's question with "I made it a game." Why does this answer matter for the next draft?

   AIt shows the lessons failed, so Daniel decides to leave Leo out of Draft 2. BIt supplies the specific action Tomás asked for, which becomes the core of Draft 2. CIt tells Daniel that the director would rather read about games than about swimming. DIt persuades Aisha that the sentences about Marcus should be cut from the draft.

6. Question 6 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   Which change across Daniel's three drafts is editing rather than revising or rewriting?

   AMoving the Leo story from paragraph 4 to the opening BReplacing the list of his traits with the bubble game CCutting the whole paragraph about kids being the future and role models DAdding "to" before "try something new" in the last sentence

7. Question 7 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   Which revision correctly fixes this practice sentence? Leo held the rail for forty minutes, he finally let go when I started counting.

   ALeo held the rail for forty minutes; he finally let go when I started counting. BLeo held the rail for forty minutes he finally let go when I started counting. CLeo held the rail, for forty minutes, he finally let go when I started counting. DLeo held the rail for forty minutes, and, he finally let go when I started counting.

8. Question 8 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   Which sentence uses parallel structure?

   AJunior counselors lead games, supervise lunch, and are helping with swim lessons. BJunior counselors lead games, supervising lunch, and help with swim lessons. CJunior counselors lead games, supervise lunch, and help with swim lessons. DJunior counselors leading games, supervise lunch, and helping with swim lessons.

9. Question 9 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   Choose the punctuation that correctly joins these clauses: Leo wanted to quit on Tuesday ___ he was back at the pool on Wednesday.

   A, however, Bhowever; C: however D; however,

10. Question 10 of 20 · Multiple Choice

    Which sentence uses a colon correctly?

    AThe camp asks counselors for: patience, reliability, and a sense of humor. BThe camp asks counselors for three things: patience, reliability, and a sense of humor. CThe camp asks: counselors for three things, patience, reliability, and a sense of humor. DThe camp asks counselors for three things; patience, reliability, and a sense of humor.

11. Question 11 of 20 · Multiple Choice

    In Text 4, why does Daniel refuse to cut "he made me watch him do it eleven times" even though about fifteen words have to go?

    AIt is one of the shortest phrases in the draft, so cutting it would save too little. BAisha told him that directors like to see numbers in application answers. CIt shows Leo's pride, which is evidence that the teaching really worked. DHe needs the phrase to fix the comma splice in paragraph 2 of Draft 2.

12. Question 12 of 20 · Multiple Choice

    A classmate suggests that Daniel add a paragraph about his grades and his soccer team to Draft 3. What is the best response, given the purpose and audience?

    ADecline: the question asks about helping a child learn, and Draft 3 has no room left. BAccept: a director wants to hear everything about an applicant, so more is better. CAccept, but put the paragraph first, so his achievements come before the story. DDecline, because grades and sports never belong in any kind of job application.

13. Question 13 of 20 · Multiple Choice

    Draft 1's comma splice "when I was eight, it was one of the best summers of my life" was never corrected. Why was that the right choice?

    AComma splices are acceptable in application essays because they sound natural. BThe director would not have noticed a comma splice that was in paragraph 2. CMr. Hale told Daniel to ignore commas for the whole of this assignment. DThe sentence did not survive the revision, so editing it would have been wasted work.

14. Question 14 of 20 · Multiple Choice

    Suppose Daniel had never taught anyone to swim, and his only experience was babysitting his neighbor's child. Which new approach would best answer Question 3 for Ms. Whitlock?

    AList more of his good qualities, and give a stronger adjective for each one of them BTell one specific time he helped the child learn something, and what he learned CDescribe his own summer as a camper at Linden Park in much more detail DExplain why summer camps matter so much to children and to the whole city

15. Question 15 of 20 · Short Answer

    Compare the last paragraph of Draft 1 with the last paragraph of Draft 2. Explain which ending better serves Ms. Whitlock and why, quoting both.

    Show model answer

16. Question 16 of 20 · Short Answer

    Draft 1, paragraph 3, says: "I would be a good role model because I am patient and responsible and I always try my best." Rewrite the sentence with parallel structure and name the rule. Then explain in one sentence why even the corrected sentence would not help Ms. Whitlock much.

    Show model answer

17. Question 17 of 20 · Short Answer

    Name one comment from Text 2 that Daniel followed closely and one that he changed as he used it. Quote each comment and the part of Draft 3 that shows what he did.

    Show model answer

18. Question 18 of 20 · Short Answer

    Edit this practice paragraph, written in the style of Daniel's drafts, and name the rule behind each correction: Leo's mom asked me to keep teaching him in the fall, I said yes right away. We practiced on Saturdays, on Sundays, and sometimes we went after school. His teacher says he is now the most confidant swimmer in his class.

    Show model answer

19. Question 19 of 20 · Short Answer

    Ms. Whitlock adds a second question: "What would you do if a camper refused to join an activity? (100 words or fewer)" Plan Daniel's answer: name its purpose, the one thing the director most needs to see, and one idea from Draft 3 he could reuse, quoted with its paragraph number.

    Show model answer

20. Question 20 of 20 · Short Answer

    Give Daniel feedback on Draft 3 using his writing group's three steps from Text 2: one thing that works, one thing Ms. Whitlock still needs, and one question. Tie each step to the director.

    Show model answer

These standards connect to W.9-10.5: prerequisites to review first, parallel standards at the same level, and next steps that build on it.

Standard text: Common Core State Standards for English Language Arts & Literacy. © Copyright 2010. National Governors Association Center for Best Practices and Council of Chief State School Officers. All rights reserved.