Overview

Lesson Procedure

70-70 minutes of class time across 5 phases.

1. Warm-Up10 minutes
2. Direct Instruction20 minutes
3. Guided Practice20 minutes
4. Independent Practice15 minutes
5. Closure5 minutes

1. Warm-Up10 minutes

   Warm-Up Prompt

   "Two people read your draft. One says, 'Add more.' The other says, 'Cut it in half.' Both are trying to help. How do you decide what to do?"

   Collect a few answers without judging them, and write the useful questions on the board (Who is the real reader? What is the piece for? Who knows that reader best?). Tell students that W.11-12.5 expects exactly this kind of judgment: a writer strengthens a draft by deciding what is most significant for a specific purpose and audience, and feedback is evidence for that decision, not an order.

   Introduce the case. Priya Nair, a high school senior, is interning at the Harlow Bay Historical Society, which is opening an exhibit on the town's old sardine cannery. She has been asked to write the introductory wall panel, the first text visitors see. Priya, her classmate Owen, the town, the cannery, the curator and every fact below are invented for this lesson, although canneries of this kind did operate on the Pacific coast. Read the fact sheet, then Priya's first draft.

   Fact sheet: the Harlow Bay cannery exhibit (a fictional town and cannery; all details invented)

   Topic	Fact
   Cannery	Harlow Bay Packing Company, 1919-1958; salmon at first, sardines by 1925
   Workforce	About 480 seasonal workers in 1941, most of them women, many in their teens
   Work	Fish packed by hand; paid by the case; shifts of twelve hours or more in heavy seasons
   Signal	A steam whistle called workers in whenever the boats arrived, day or night
   Featured object	The 1934 time card of Rosa Medeiros, age 15, given by her daughter in 1994
   Oral history	Rosa Medeiros, recorded in 1987
   Panel limit	150 words, printed large and read standing
   Visitors	Families, school groups and tourists; the curator is Ms. Elena Vasquez

   1The Harlow Bay Packing Company cannery was established in 1919 by Walter J. Harlow, who had previously operated a lumber mill on the same site. Initially the cannery processed salmon, but by 1925 sardines had become its principal product. The plant was expanded in 1928 and again in 1937, when a second warehouse and a fish-meal plant were constructed.

   2At its peak in 1941, the cannery employed approximately 480 workers during the fishing season, the majority of whom were women. Workers were paid by the case rather than by the hour, and shifts could last twelve hours or longer when the catch was large. A steam whistle was used to summon workers to the plant when the boats arrived, which could occur at any hour of the day or night.

   3The sardine catch along the Pacific coast declined sharply in the late 1940s, and the company struggled to remain profitable. Canning ended in 1958, and the buildings were sold to the county in 1963. This exhibit, which was assembled from donated objects, photographs, and oral histories collected by the Harlow Bay Historical Society, examines the history of the cannery from its founding to its closure.

2. Direct Instruction20 minutes

   Present the standard's two halves. The first half is a toolkit: planning, revising, editing, rewriting and trying a new approach, each used "as needed." The second half is the test every change must pass: does it address what is most significant for this purpose and this audience? At grades 11-12 the hard part is usually not finding problems but choosing among fixes, because readers disagree and a writer cannot follow all of them. Diagram 2 gives students a way to weigh a comment instead of simply obeying it.

   Point out the editing note that closes W.11-12.5 in the full Common Core document: editing for conventions should show command of Language standards 1-3 up to grades 11-12. At this level that includes hyphenation conventions (L.11-12.2a), usage that is a matter of convention and sometimes contested (L.11-12.1a and 1b), and syntax varied for effect (L.11-12.3a). Priya meets all three.

   Read Text 2 aloud in parts. Ask students to mark each comment as being about significance, style, length or accuracy. Then read Draft 2. Ask: What did Priya keep from Draft 1, what did she drop, and which comment did she not act on yet?

   1Ms. Vasquez: Thank you for this, Priya. Everything in it is accurate. Now let me tell you how people actually use this wall. They come through the door, they stop for a few seconds, and they decide whether the room is worth their time. Some read one paragraph. Very few read three.

   2Priya: So the panel has to work in one paragraph.

   3Ms. Vasquez: It has to work in one sentence. Tell me the one idea the whole room is built around.

   4Priya: That the cannery ran on the women on the packing line. Most of the objects came from their families.

   5Ms. Vasquez: Then that idea should be the first thing a visitor meets. Right now the first person they meet is Walter Harlow, and he owned a lumber mill.

   6Owen: It reads like an encyclopedia entry. "Was established," "were constructed," "was used to summon." Nobody does anything in the first paragraph. Things just get built.

   7Priya: I thought a museum panel was supposed to sound formal.

   8Ms. Vasquez: Formal, yes. Distant, no. Our visitors include eight-year-olds on school trips and tourists who have never heard of Harlow Bay.

   9Owen: What if you start with the whistle? It's the most vivid thing in the draft, and it's buried in the middle of paragraph 2.

   10Priya: I could start with the whistle and with Rosa Medeiros. Her time card is in the first case, and she was fifteen in 1934.

   11Ms. Vasquez: Try it. And the limit is still 150 words. You're at almost 200, so the founding, the expansions and the closing will have to find another home. Panel 6 covers the closing.

   12Owen: One warning, though. If it's all about Rosa, people might think she was the whole story. There were 480 workers.

   1The whistle could blow at 2 a.m.

   2When it did, fifteen year old Rosa Medeiros pulled on her boots and ran six blocks to the Harlow Bay cannery, where the boats were already unloading. Her 1934 time card is in the case to your left. It shows a week of twelve hour shifts. She stood at the packing table and packed sardines by hand. She was paid by the case and not by the hour. She worked until the fish were gone, even if the sun had come up again.

   3Rosa was one of the women and teenagers who the company hired each season to work the line. Her family kept the card for sixty years. Her daughter gave it to the Historical Society in 1994, along with a photograph of Rosa at nineteen.

   4As you walk through this room, you will hear Rosa's voice in an oral history recorded in 1987, and you will see the tools she used every day on the line.

   Discuss before moving on: Draft 2 is a stronger panel than Draft 1 by almost any measure, yet it has a new problem that Draft 1 did not have. Let students find it in the transcript before they read Text 4.

3. Guided Practice20 minutes

   Read Text 4 and Draft 3 together. Pairs then track each comment in Text 4 through to Draft 3 and label it followed, adapted or set aside. Use Diagram 1 to see how the emphasis shifted across the three drafts, then work through the five examples below as a class.

   1Ms. Vasquez: This is a different panel. I read the first line and I want to know what happens. I'd keep that line exactly as it is, on its own.

   2Owen: I still have my warning, though. Now it's the Rosa exhibit. A visitor could walk out thinking one girl packed all the sardines. You found a better way in, but the 480 workers disappeared.

   3Ms. Vasquez: He's right. Rosa is the way in. She can't be the whole story. What's the sentence that turns her into one of hundreds?

   4Priya: Something like "In 1941 the cannery employed 480 people in season, and most of them were women." Right after the time card.

   5Ms. Vasquez: Good. Then the paragraph about her family can shrink. The card and the oral history can say that for us. How many words are you at?

   6Priya: A hundred sixty-five. So something has to go anyway.

   7Owen: Can I be the grammar person? "Fifteen year old" needs hyphens. So does "twelve hour shifts."

   8Priya: And "who the company hired" should be "whom," since the company is doing the hiring.

   9Ms. Vasquez: For a museum wall, I'd rather you rebuild that sentence than use "whom." A lot of visitors hear it as stiff. "Women and teenagers hired each season" says the same thing and settles the question.

   10Owen: Last thing. Paragraph 2 is five short sentences in a row, all built the same way: "She stood," "She was paid," "She worked." It sounds like a list.

   11Priya: The short sentences are on purpose. It's supposed to feel like the line.

   12Owen: One of them, fine. Five is a drumbeat. Combine some, and save the short one for the end, where it hits.

   13Ms. Vasquez: That's the right instinct. Vary them, and let the short sentence land where it counts.

   1The whistle could blow at 2 a.m.

   2When it did, fifteen-year-old Rosa Medeiros pulled on her boots and ran six blocks to the Harlow Bay cannery, where the boats were already unloading. Her 1934 time card, in the case to your left, records a week of twelve-hour shifts. Paid by the case rather than by the hour, she stood at the packing table until the fish were gone. Sometimes the sun came up first.

   3Rosa was not unusual. In 1941 the cannery employed 480 people in season. Most were women, many still in their teens, hired each year to work the line. Their families saved the objects in this room: time cards, knives, aprons, photographs.

   4As you walk through, you will hear Rosa in an oral history recorded in 1987, and you will see the tools that she and hundreds of other workers used every day.

   • Trying a new approach: a new starting point

     Draft 1 begins with the founding: "The Harlow Bay Packing Company cannery was established in 1919 by Walter J. Harlow, who had previously operated a lumber mill on the same site."

     Result: Draft 2 abandons chronology and begins inside one night: "The whistle could blow at 2 a.m." Priya did not repair the old opening. She chose a different point of entry, a moment and a person, and let the history follow from it.

   • Planning again, midway: a word budget

     After Text 4, Priya must add the workforce, cut to 150 words and keep the opening. She plans by the word: opening line under 10; Rosa's night and her time card about 65; the workforce about 40; the invitation about 30.

     Result: The budget comes to about 145 words, under the limit, and it gives the most words to the parts that carry the room's idea. Draft 3 lands at 146 words. Planning is not only a first step; a writer can re-plan whenever the purpose shifts.

   • Revising: compressing a paragraph into the central idea

     Draft 2, paragraph 3: "Her family kept the card for sixty years. Her daughter gave it to the Historical Society in 1994, along with a photograph of Rosa at nineteen."

     Result: Draft 3: "Their families saved the objects in this room: time cards, knives, aprons, photographs." Two sentences about one family become one sentence about all the families, which serves the whole room and frees words for the workforce.

   • Editing: hyphenation conventions (L.11-12.2a)

     Draft 2: "fifteen year old Rosa Medeiros" and "a week of twelve hour shifts."

     Result: A compound modifier before a noun takes hyphens: "fifteen-year-old Rosa Medeiros," "twelve-hour shifts." After the noun, the same words stay open: "Rosa was fifteen years old," "her shifts lasted twelve hours."

   • Editing: varying syntax for effect (L.11-12.3a)

     Draft 2, paragraph 2, ends with five short sentences in a row, such as "She stood at the packing table and packed sardines by hand. She was paid by the case and not by the hour."

     Result: Draft 3: "Paid by the case rather than by the hour, she stood at the packing table until the fish were gone. Sometimes the sun came up first." An opening participial phrase combines two facts, and the one short sentence left, placed last, carries the weight the five could not.

4. Independent Practice15 minutes

   Students bring a draft of their own and comments from two readers (a classmate and the teacher, or a classmate and a family member). (1) Write the purpose and audience in one sentence, and the one idea the reader must leave with. (2) List every comment and run each through Diagram 2. (3) Find one pair of comments that pull in different directions and write a short decision note: which you will follow, adapt or set aside, and why, in terms of the reader. (4) Make the change, then make one edit from the grade 11-12 Language standards and name the convention.

   The quiz uses Texts 1-5 and the fact sheet (Warm-Up, Direct Instruction and Guided Practice). Point students back to those phases when they take it.

5. Closure5 minutes

   Exit ticket: (1) Name one comment Priya set aside or postponed, and say whether that was the right call. (2) Write the one idea the reader of your own draft must leave with. Then hand out the homework texts below: Theo's first draft of a concert program note on the second movement of Dvořák's Symphony No. 9 (Text 6), and three readers' responses (Text 7). Theo and his readers are invented; the facts about the symphony are historical. The note is written for families at a school orchestra concert, many of whom do not read music.

   1Antonín Dvořák (1841-1904) composed his Symphony No. 9 in E minor, Op. 95, "From the New World," in 1893, during his tenure as director of the National Conservatory of Music in New York. The symphony was premiered by the New York Philharmonic at Carnegie Hall on December 16, 1893.

   2Tonight we perform the second movement, the Largo, which is in D-flat major and follows a three-part (ABA) design. The movement opens with a slow progression of chords in the brass and woodwinds that modulates to the remote key of D-flat. The principal theme is then stated by the english horn over muted strings. The contrasting middle section moves a little faster and grows darker before the opening theme returns.

   3The well known melody was later adapted into the song "Goin' Home" by William Arms Fisher, who Dvořák had taught in New York.

   1Dr. Kim (orchestra director): The history is right, and I want it kept. Our program notes are how students learn to write about music, so name the key and the form.

   2Mrs. Okonkwo (parent volunteer who edits the program): I'll be honest: I don't know what "modulates to the remote key" means, and most families in that auditorium won't either. They read this in the two minutes before the lights go down. Tell them what to listen for.

   3Hannah (plays the English horn solo): Start with the sound. The first thing the audience hears is those low chords, and then me, alone, over the quiet strings. If they know that's coming, they'll listen for it.

   4Dr. Kim: I don't object to that, as long as the note stays accurate. Just don't call it a folk song or a spiritual. Dvořák wrote that melody himself; the words came later.

   5Mrs. Okonkwo: The limit is 150 words, and it has to fit on half a page of the program.

   6Theo: So I have two readers who want different things, and 150 words to give them both.

Differentiation Strategies

Assessment Guidance

1. Question 1 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   In Text 2, paragraph 3, Ms. Vasquez tells Priya, "It has to work in one sentence." What does she mean?

   AThe panel's first sentence must carry its main idea, since many visitors read very little. BThe whole panel should be rewritten as one single long sentence of about 150 words. CPriya should write one sentence per paragraph so the wall looks less crowded. DEvery sentence must be short enough for a visitor to read aloud in one breath.

2. Question 2 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   Owen says of Draft 1, "Nobody does anything in the first paragraph. Things just get built." Which feature of the draft is he pointing to?

   AIt gives too many numbers and dates for a general museum audience. BIt uses informal words that do not suit a museum wall. CIts passive verbs hide the people whose work the room is about. DIt contains spelling errors that visitors would notice.

3. Question 3 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   Why does Ms. Vasquez object that "the first person they meet is Walter Harlow"?

   APriya's facts about Walter Harlow are wrong and need to be checked again. BHe does not connect to the idea the room is built around: the workers. CVisitors dislike reading about business owners in any museum exhibit. DThe founding should move to the middle of the panel instead of the start.

4. Question 4 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   Ms. Vasquez tells Priya the panel should be "Formal, yes. Distant, no." Which sentence best fits that description?

   A"A steam whistle was used to summon workers to the plant when the boats arrived" (Draft 1) B"Her 1934 time card, in the case to your left, records a week of twelve-hour shifts." (Draft 3) C"Get ready to be amazed by the awesome story of this cool old cannery!" (invented) D"This exhibit, which was assembled from donated objects, photographs, and oral histories" (Draft 1)

5. Question 5 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   At the end of Text 2, Owen warns, "If it's all about Rosa, people might think she was the whole story." Which sentence in Draft 3 answers that warning most directly?

   A"The whistle could blow at 2 a.m." B"Paid by the case rather than by the hour, she stood at the packing table until the fish were gone." C"Her 1934 time card, in the case to your left, records a week of twelve-hour shifts." D"In 1941 the cannery employed 480 people in season."

6. Question 6 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   In Text 2, why does Ms. Vasquez mention "eight-year-olds on school trips and tourists who have never heard of Harlow Bay"?

   ATo show that the panel must work for readers with no background, without talking down BTo ask Priya to write a separate, simpler panel just for the children on school trips CTo suggest that the panel can skip some facts, because these visitors will not check them DTo argue that the panel should be written informally, the way a tour guide might talk

7. Question 7 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   Which sentence follows hyphenation conventions?

   AThe newly-restored packing room displays a time card from a six-day week. BThe newly restored packing room displays a time card from a six day week. CThe newly restored packing room displays a time card from a six-day week. DThe newly-restored packing room displays a time card from a six day-week.

8. Question 8 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   In Text 4, Ms. Vasquez asks Priya to rebuild the sentence rather than write "whom." Which statement best describes the usage question?

   A"Whom" is no longer correct in any formal writing, so Priya has to avoid it here. B"Who" is the right formal choice, because "the company" is the subject of the clause. CUsage rules do not apply to museum panels, because visitors only skim the wall. D"Whom" is correct, but for these visitors a rebuilt sentence avoids a stiff word.

9. Question 9 of 20 · Multiple Choice

   Which revision of these sentences varies the syntax most effectively for a wall panel? The boats came in at night. The whistle blew. The workers woke up. The workers ran to the plant.

   AThe boats came in at night, the whistle blew, the workers woke up, the workers ran to the plant. BThe boats came in at night and the whistle blew and the workers woke up and they ran to the plant. CBoats. Night. Whistle. Workers. The plant. DWhen the boats came in at night, the whistle woke the workers. They ran.

10. Question 10 of 20 · Multiple Choice

    Ms. Vasquez says the founding, the expansions and the closing "will have to find another home." Why is cutting them from this panel the right choice?

    AThey are accurate but are not the room's central idea, and Panel 6 covers the closing. BThey are inaccurate, and the Historical Society asked Priya to take them out. CVisitors are not interested in dates, so a museum should avoid printing them. DCompressing them would take Priya longer than simply cutting them out.

11. Question 11 of 20 · Multiple Choice

    In Text 4, Ms. Vasquez would keep "The whistle could blow at 2 a.m." "exactly as it is, on its own." Why does a one-line opening paragraph suit this panel?

    AIt is the only sentence in Draft 2 without an editing error. BA visitor takes it in at a glance, and it makes them want to read on. CMuseum style requires every wall panel to begin with a time of day. DIt separates Rosa's story from the facts about the company's founding.

12. Question 12 of 20 · Multiple Choice

    The Historical Society asks Priya for a 40-word sidewalk sign that should bring passersby inside. Which plan best fits the new purpose?

    AShorten Draft 1's history to the founder's name and the first three dates BList every object in the room so passersby know exactly what is on display CKeep the whistle line, add one sentence about the workers, and invite them in DTell Rosa's whole life story, from her first shift to her daughter's donation

13. Question 13 of 20 · Multiple Choice

    Which comment in Text 2 is mainly about what is most significant for the purpose, rather than about style or length?

    AOwen: "It reads like an encyclopedia entry." BMs. Vasquez: "Tell me the one idea the whole room is built around." CMs. Vasquez: "And the limit is still 150 words. You're at almost 200." DPriya: "I thought a museum panel was supposed to sound formal."

14. Question 14 of 20 · Multiple Choice

    Draft 2 ends with "the tools she used every day on the line." Draft 3 ends with "the tools that she and hundreds of other workers used every day." Why is the change an improvement?

    AIt corrects a hyphenation error in the last sentence of Draft 2. BIt adds just enough words to bring Draft 3 to exactly 150. CIt carries the room's idea to the end: Rosa as one of many. DIt removes the oral history, which visitors cannot hear on a panel.

15. Question 15 of 20 · Short Answer

    Draft 1 is accurate and formal. Using two quotations from Text 2, explain why Priya's readers treated it as a problem of purpose and audience rather than of correctness.

    Show model answer

16. Question 16 of 20 · Short Answer

    Rewrite this Draft 1 sentence in the active voice for the panel's visitors: "A steam whistle was used to summon workers to the plant when the boats arrived, which could occur at any hour of the day or night." Then explain two improvements your version makes.

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17. Question 17 of 20 · Short Answer

    Write a caption of 25 words or fewer for Rosa's time card in its case, using only facts from Drafts 2 and 3. Then explain one choice you made for visitors reading it at the case.

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18. Question 18 of 20 · Short Answer

    Edit this practice paragraph and name the convention behind each correction: The cannerys' steam whistle could be heard two miles away. Workers who the foreman trusted were given the best paying stations. A long time employee remembered running to the plant in her nightgown.

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19. Question 19 of 20 · Short Answer

    The Historical Society decides that Draft 3 will also be read aloud as the first stop of an audio tour. Explain two changes Priya should make for listeners, and why each one serves them.

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20. Question 20 of 20 · Short Answer

    Draft 1 and Draft 3 both mention the whistle. Compare how each draft uses it, and explain what the difference shows about deciding what is most significant for this audience.

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These standards connect to W.11-12.5: prerequisites to review first, parallel standards at the same level, and next steps that build on it.

Standard text: Common Core State Standards for English Language Arts & Literacy. © Copyright 2010. National Governors Association Center for Best Practices and Council of Chief State School Officers. All rights reserved.